Becoming a parent is the most humbling experience I’ve ever gone through. I had so many expectations of what things would be like, not many of them realistic ones.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest. William needed to be held to sleep, we could not put him down. We never intended to sleep with our baby, nor did we want to, but it became a necessity in order for us to get any shut eye. I laugh because some of the parents who I heard of (prior to motherhood), who slept with their babes, I thought they were crazy and I thought it was their choice. I found out for many of them that is not the case. After the first two weeks we had to start supplementing William with formula because he just was not getting enough to grow, and since then we’ve been able to put him down by himself. We bought a co-sleeper little bassinet that sat on top of our bed that he slept in. And now in the past two weeks we’ve been able to move the co-sleeper bassinet to his crib in our room where he sleeps most of the night. On a rare occasion he does come into bed with us in the early hours of the morning. He is quickly outgrowing the bassinet and it looks like will have to make the transition to the crib soon.

I also thought that Moms had a choice of whether or not to breastfeed. I understand now that’s not always the case. I’ve had low milk supply from the beginning, and have done everything to increase it, seen specialists, taken medications, pumped, the list goes on, and it’s not for the lack of trying. In the past couple of days my supply has been going down even further, not sure why really, even though I’d love to analyze. We’ve had to ask ourselves what is realistic, and are just trying to go with the flow so to speak, which seems to be to formula feed him. This is more disappointing to me than I ever would have imagined, and I feel so guilty for not being able to provide for my son like I wanted to. There is nothing left to do about it but accept it and get on with life.

There are so many other things about becoming a Mom that are more wonderful than I thought would be. Ever time he smiles and coos it just makes my day. I honestly never thought I could love something or someone as much as I love my son. And I’m not saying I love my husband less than I love my son, which is definitely not the case, since having our son I love him more, I just love him differently than I do our son.