Julessilver

I had to read my old blog post to remember how Lloyd and I first came to be engaged. It was quite a non-process. I had said in that Lloyd proposed to me in Cedar Hill Golf Course one night, and that is sort of true. Instead of asking me to marry him he said, “I want to marry you someday”… and throughout our time together over that next month it turned into will you marry me, me saying ‘yes’ but also said he has to propose “for real” one day. That day didn’t come. Lloyd found out he was going to move to San Francisco and I decided to come with him. We told our parents we were going, and choose to announce our engagement before moving. We arrived in San Francisco and bought a ring, I was so excited I wanted to wear it right away. The original plan was for him to take it back so he could “officially propose”. Why? Cause it is and was really important to me to be officially asked. Again that day never came. Our wedding came and went and I started to feel disappointed that I never got a proper proposal. Felt like I had missed out on one of life’s important moments.

The ring that we picked out was a little in haste. And it ended up being rather hard to wear because it was high and had prongs settings that caught on everything… and everyone! Lloyd and I talked about getting me a new engagement ring in the years to come. I was thinking maybe at our 5^th or 10^th anniversary.

At our secret anniversary this past Christmas 2008 we celebrate… December 19^th, Lloyd took me out to dinner at Il Terrazzo eatery. We had been together 3.5 years at this point.  I thought for once I had outdone Lloyd in an anniversary gift. I had gotten him future tickets for wine tour up island. Every other year Lloyd has gotten me some sort of jewelry, and this year I was sure he hadn’t gotten me anything. I gave him my gift and he didn’t give me anything back, so I figured he didn’t get me anything. Which was good, he’d outdone himself too many years prior.

We were talking about another sensitive topic and I had tears in my eyes. (I was missing an old family friend and was reminiscing about my childhood). Lloyd got up and was coming to my side of the table. It was a crowded restaurant that night. I thought he was just coming over to comfort me. To my surprise he knelt down and pulled out of box, and said something along the lines of … “i’ll love you forever…partners always?!”…. I don’t remember specifically because he had already opened the box at that point and I was staring at the ring! I said yes again.

My mind was reeling. How and when did he do this without me knowing? He picked it out himself with no help from anyone, including me, so it was a real surprise. And even better it was beautiful! The diamond itself looked flawless, and it was low set in a half bezel, open on the top and bottom with a thick white gold band from Birks.

A colleague at work knows a lot about astrology. Lately I have become more interested in it and asked her to tell me what my planets were. She did both mine and Lloyds and I took her out for lunch for a bit of an explanation. Mostly I think she is bang on.

My sun sign is TAURUS, earth. My senses are important. I need comfort. Things tend to be black and white.

My number is a 5, which means I am okay with change.

My planets are:

MOON (emotions) - Pisces.  Pisces is a water sign. Means I feel my emotions. I live in questions. I question everything I feel.

MERCURY (how one communicates, how I talk) - Taurus. This means I communicate like a taurean. I plaud and am methodical in my communication. Things are black and white. I am patient in my communication. I have a line, once you cross it I explode (think of how a bull is in the ring, pacing back and forth, then it charges). A Taurys is an earth sign.

VENUS (how one loves, also sexuality for a woman) - Gemini. I think my love, meaning I love through my head instead of my heart. If you ask me why I love someone I will be able to describe it and tell you, instead of saying “just cause”.

MARS (ones energy, how one comes across to the world) - Taurus. I am even and methodical, practical. No nonsense. Very business like. Very solid and dependable. I come across as a dependable employee.

JUPITER (how one works, how you apply yourself to things) - Leo. I am theatrical. Beauty if very important. I am giving and playful. I like to be one cut above the rest. I need to be better than everyone. Like a lion, I am very proud.

SATURN (how one fights, with others and myself) - Leo. I am regal and proud. Like a lion, I have to win. I am very expressive and dramatic. Passionate.

Lloyds sun sign is SAGITTARIUS. Sagittarius is also an earth sign. It is known as the clown of the zodiac.

Lloyds number is a 5, which means he is okay with change.

Lloyds planets:

MOON (emotions) - Gemini. His emotions are thought, he thinks his feelings. A way to connect with him  is by using words like “think, sense, logic”. He is good at talking and communicating. Emotions always hover around.

MERCURY (how one communicates, how he talks) - Sagittarius. They say what is true for them. Like to make people happy. Often blunt in communicating. Pure, no malintent, not mean spirited.

VENUS (how one loves) - Sagittarius. Not too dependable, tends to be a player in love. Commands attention. Tells the truth. A lot of talk but not necessarily follow through.

MARS (ones energy, how one comes across to the world, also sexuality for a man) - Leo. Warm giving, like the drama. Kind, good, flamboyant. Great father, picture a lion playing with his cubs. Pride shines out. Wants to know his mate sees him in the highest light. Don’t put a Leo down, especially in public.

JUPITER (how one works, how you apply yourself to things) - Cancer. Very giving. Motherly. Family important. Sees work mates as his family members.

SATURN (how one fights, with others and myself) - Virgo. Servitude. Very exact. Always correcting. Sense and sensibility. “No I didn’t say that I said this…”. “I didn’t mean that…”.

My son’s sun sign is Aries. It is a fire sign. Innocence, naive and will make blunders.

Tom Whitelaw died October 14, 2008. He was a dear friend to many. He had a special place in my family’s heart. He was 90 years old.

At the funeral this past weekend I wanted to stand up and share some of my memories, but just wasn’t able to form the words without getting overly emotional. So instead I am writing my memories here.

Some of the things I remember about Tom….

I remember when we were little he’d read the newspaper in his chair in the living room. As kids we would try to punch the paper in, or flick it from the other side. He never got angry at us for it. Instead he’d close the paper, stand up and say “RAH HA!”, and we’d giggle and run away.

I remember coming home for lunch from school (not sure what grade I was in at the time), to watch Perry Mason with Tom.

Tom would occasionally make a sandwich for lunch, rye bread, relish, roast beef and white onion. Sometimes he’d make one for me too.

One of my brothers was particularly close to Tom in the most recent years. He was always known as renegade at Muriel and Tom’s. He found a mentor and friend in Tom. He followed in Tom’s footsteps and became an Electrician. I am so happy that he graduated before Tom passed on, and that Tom could be proud of him. When he comes home to visit Victoria, he almost always would make time to see Tom. He came home for Thanksgiving and seeing Tom just didn’t work out. A day later Tom passed away and he was already back at work in Alberta. We didn’t know Tom was in his last few days. Maybe it was meant to be, because now we remember Tom as Tom. My brother and I feel particularly bad about not seeing him as of late. It was hard to have Tom pass on, hard for me to deal with my feelings of his passing, but even harder to see how Tom’s passing as been effecting one of my brothers. He was so broken up at the funeral, it made my heart ache to make it better for him.

The funeral was lovely. I choose not to walk pass the open casket as I want Tom in my memories as he is, not as he was in the casket. It is very hard to believe he is gone.

His wife Muriel took care of us kids when we were younger. We sort of became part of their very extended family. How lucky we are to have had Muriel and Tom in our lives. They will always be remembered fondly. Muriel passed away in 1996, I still miss her. I have no doubt I will always miss Tom too.

Becoming a parent is the most humbling experience I’ve ever gone through. I had so many expectations of what things would be like, not many of them realistic ones.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest. William needed to be held to sleep, we could not put him down. We never intended to sleep with our baby, nor did we want to, but it became a necessity in order for us to get any shut eye. I laugh because some of the parents who I heard of (prior to motherhood), who slept with their babes, I thought they were crazy and I thought it was their choice. I found out for many of them that is not the case. After the first two weeks we had to start supplementing William with formula because he just was not getting enough to grow, and since then we’ve been able to put him down by himself. We bought a co-sleeper little bassinet that sat on top of our bed that he slept in. And now in the past two weeks we’ve been able to move the co-sleeper bassinet to his crib in our room where he sleeps most of the night. On a rare occasion he does come into bed with us in the early hours of the morning. He is quickly outgrowing the bassinet and it looks like will have to make the transition to the crib soon.

I also thought that Moms had a choice of whether or not to breastfeed. I understand now that’s not always the case. I’ve had low milk supply from the beginning, and have done everything to increase it, seen specialists, taken medications, pumped, the list goes on, and it’s not for the lack of trying. In the past couple of days my supply has been going down even further, not sure why really, even though I’d love to analyze. We’ve had to ask ourselves what is realistic, and are just trying to go with the flow so to speak, which seems to be to formula feed him. This is more disappointing to me than I ever would have imagined, and I feel so guilty for not being able to provide for my son like I wanted to. There is nothing left to do about it but accept it and get on with life.

There are so many other things about becoming a Mom that are more wonderful than I thought would be. Ever time he smiles and coos it just makes my day. I honestly never thought I could love something or someone as much as I love my son. And I’m not saying I love my husband less than I love my son, which is definitely not the case, since having our son I love him more, I just love him differently than I do our son.

I am a little more than 38 weeks pregnant now, about 12 more days until my due date.  I think a woman gets to a stage in pregnancy where she is so uncomfortable and getting things done are so much harder, so she becomes less scared of labour and just want to be “done” with the pregnancy part. I would say that pretty accurately describes me now

In March we got to meet our backup midwife, Susan. She was very pleasant and made me feel good about possibly giving birth with her as our caregiver. Our primary midwife, Colleen, is back from holidays today, and we saw her at today’s appointment.

Things continue to go along just “fine”. I have been experiencing more Braxton Hicks in the past couple weeks, and even more so in the past day or so. Our midwife did an internal exam today, my cervix has not started to dilate yet, but it is now soft. Next week I may consider getting my membranes swept depending on where I am at. Baby has moved further down into my pelvis, and I get occasional very sharp pains when a nerve gets hit, particularly in my hips or back.

My husband and I have heard a funny wet snapping noise occasionally. We cannot pinpoint if it is coming from me or my uterus. We’ve asked both our midwives and neither know what it is. Some speculations is it might be my joints relaxing and popping, or could even be my digestion (though I think it sounds different than my digestion), or possibly the baby’s joints. Always a little bothersome when they don’t know what something is, hopefully something to do with me and not baby. Of course they tell us that it is most likely nothing to worry about.

My tummy continues to grow. My fundal height measured 37cms at todays appointment.

Our bags are mostly packed and all ready to go to the hospital. I am just doing things that I want done around the house before baby arrives.

I am off work and glad I went off when I did. I went back for an all day conference last week and the day was just too long for me. Being at home I am free to get up, nap or rest when I need to. Sitting for 7 hours got a little uncomfortable.

My Mom, as excited Grandma-to-be, is throwing me a baby shower this weekend. We registered for a few items at Toys R Us (Canada) and the Mothering Touch (Victoria):

http://www.toysrus.ca/registry/index.jsp

http://www.motheringtouch.ca/

We did not register for items like: clothes, sleepers, undershirts/onsies, blankets, bibs, wash clothes, hats, socks/booties, crib sheets, or toys etc. - as we felt if people wanted to buy us these items it would be nicer if they were able to choose for themselves.

We are excited and looking forward to meeting our new family member soon.

We had a maternity photo shoot session when I was 33.5 weeks pregnant. Originally I was really apprehensive about getting photos done while I was pregnant as I did not know I would want to commemorate my pregnancy not to mention how I looked while pregnant. My husband really wanted us to get them done. Originally I was worried that he would be grossed out by my pregnant body, not the case, he is one of those guys that thinks pregnant bodies are beautiful.

We looked into a number of photographers. We wanted to get someone that would do some artistic shots as well as sensual ones. I originally came across Fish Eye in my search and didn’t look at her whole portfolio of maternity photos and for some reason ruled her out. As we were seeking recommendations, we asked our midwife office and picked up two cards there, one being Fish Eye. I contacted both photographers, and had a better, more in depth look at their photos online. Fish Eye’s maternity portraits were a little more daring than some, she has some tasteful nudes, which we really liked. We also really liked that we got a high resolution CD of the session and did not have to buy each photo individually, making it more reasonably priced. The other photographer we were deciding between charged an additional $850 for her high resolution CD, whereas with Fish Eye included it with the session cost for around $300.

I contacted Fish Eye to book a session. Martine Thomson is the photographer of Fish Eye Photography, and she was just coming out of maternity leave, she had a beautiful son about 4 months ago. Originally she was only able to book me in on April 12^th, which is my due date (well 12-13th-ish is my due date, I like the 12th better). I know most first babies are late but after we’d made the decision to get the photos done we really did not want to miss the opportunity if baby joined us a little earlier. A friend of mine suggested getting them done between 32 and 34 weeks pregnant. Martine was able to squeeze us into her schedule on February 26^th, which was ideal for us. As most people have told me, my belly appears like I am smaller and maybe I should have waited a couple more weeks to have a bigger belly in the photos, but I don’t think so. For me I feel ‘big bellied’ already, every pregnant woman is different. We did not want to get the photos done when I was busting out pregnant or too near the end.

Since giving birth to her son Martine has given up her 4000 square foot studio and now works out of her home studio. Only 4 months after giving birth pretty amazing to already be back at work if you ask me! It is a nice cozy studio in her home.

I was definitely a little nervous about getting some of the near nude photos taken. My husband really wanted me to try it, so for him I thought I would make an effort. Having read her reviews online, that Martine really makes you feel comfortable with the session and your nakedness, which I also found she did very naturally. There were only two times when I felt like I was naked/exposed. Once when I had to take off my clothes, we took photos clothed first and then she asked if I wanted to do some robe shots. She asked me to strip down and apologized for not having a change room, we laughed because she was going to see it all anyway, and it’s not like she was watching me, it just made me aware that I was naked when I first took my clothes off. I had a robe draped over me at first and the rest happened very gradually and I did not feel exposed or nude the rest of the session at all. I hardly noticed it. The next time I felt nude was when we were done taking photos and it was time to dress, it kind of dawned on me that I was naked! Martine was very easy to speak to and made us both feel at ease. My husband only had his shirt off for some of the photos, whereas I was tastefully draped with fabrics or body parts in most of them. We are happy with the end product.

We had our 34 week appointment yesterday. I am a little relieved to report that my fundal height has grown since my last appointment, and it is now 32 cms. My midwife says she can feel baby’s size and he is growing, good news
I had someone comment to my husband that it did not sound like I was doing very well in my blog, and perhaps I would benefit from going off work now. My husband made the comment that maybe I write about the negative things too often and not the positive. I always try tell it like it is, but also but a positive spin on it at the end. I think for some men it all sounds awful and hard to deal with. People ask how I am feeling, and I say you know little tired etc… but I AM pregnant after all. All the symptoms I have experienced are completely normal and I have had a healthy pregnancy so far. I am very fortunate and have not yet experienced any of the pregnancy complications that some woman do. I am still growing a person inside me, so it does take more energy and I am experiencing some pregnancy symptoms that cannot be called pleasant, but are all manageable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I am falling apart, but in the grand scheme of things I am fine. I have enjoyed the journey through pregnancy thus far, and even though some things I did not imagine to be like they are (e.g. the books didn’t tell me about THAT!), it does not necessarily mean they have been bad, au contraire, just different.

My mind is constantly blown away by the miracle of pregnancy. I still cannot fathom that I am making a person inside me and carrying him around, despite his constant reminders when he stretches his little legs into my ribs Baby could come now in the next 3 - 8 weeks (which is between 37 and 42 weeks pregnant). My midwife said the statistic for first pregnancies is to go 8 days after your 40 week due date. I was born a couple days after my due date, and my husband was born a day after his. We both weighed in the 7 lbs range.

I often get my husband to put his hands on my belly to feel baby move. Baby is most active after dinner and when I am going to bed at night, particularly when my husband reads to us before bed. Often my husband will say “wowwooo!” to some of baby’s movements, because they are so large or so strong. Space is getting tighter as baby grows, so I feel less wind up kicks of punches, mostly legs stretching or hiccups. Hiccups are so funny, because baby will start hiccuping and I feel a very rhythmic knocking, then a couple minutes into it he starts to move (my guess is he is annoyed that he is still hiccuping so much and is moving around out of irritation), very cute. I feel bad for baby sometimes because they can be quite persistent for a while. Typically they happen after I’ve had something to eat or drink (which I’ve read is common).

I have baby and pregnancy on my brain. I am looking forward to having some time at home before the baby so I can focus on them and also get some more rest and perhaps even relax

Some people are asking me why I am referring to baby as “he” in my blog posts and when I talk about baby.

NO we do not know if we are having a boy or a girl.

As I mentioned at the end of my post titled “Countdown is on…”, to make it easier and nicer than referring to baby as “it”, or “he or she” all the time, I use “he” to refer to baby and my husband says “she”. It balances itself out I think. I think it comes from not creating expectations for us to be disappointed with. Neither of us really cares if we have a boy or a girl. We are just hoping for a healthy baby.

I think at some point Moms often hope for girls and Dads often hope for boys to be able to have that special bond with their child. I would like one of my children to be a girl, because I really enjoy the bond my mother and I share. Also I think, ‘what am I going to do with a boy?’ Things like baking cookies, crafts, and shopping up are girly things mostly. My husband only has a brother and wasn’t raised around girls, so I presume deep down he wants a boy so he can share the ‘manly’ things with him. On the other hand there is a special bond parents share with their child of the opposite sex as well. 

Might make it confusing but makes sense to us. I really dislike saying “he or she” all the time. As I mentioned, in our regular scheduled ultrasound around 19 weeks, baby had his or her legs crossed. So even though we did not want to find out the sex, baby wasn’t revealing it to us anyway. 

Many people prophesies about what sex of child I am having. The majority of people think I am having a boy. Mostly telling me it is the way I am carrying baby, you don’t know how many times I hear “you are carrying like a boy”, my husband thinks that’s a funny comment and I’m carrying “like a baby”, not like one sex or the other. I’ve only had a few people think I am having a girl. My Mom and Grandfather, who like to think they are always right when it comes to predicting things like this, both think I am having a boy. Time will tell. 

I would honestly be happy with either a healthy baby boy or girl. Green is my favourite colour after all.  

… which is April 12th. 

I am finally starting to feel a little back to normal after my stomach flu. At least I’ve started to eat regular foods again, instead of the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apple sauce and toast). 

We had our 32 week midwife appointment this past Monday. At my 30 week appointment my uterus measured 30cms. At this appointment it still measured 30cms. They like to see you’ve grown a little each visit. My midwife thinks it is just because I was so badly dehydrated the week before, and it may just be my amniotic fluid level has decreased a bit because I am not hydrated enough. She said feeling the size of the baby, baby feels like a normal size, not too big or small. When I was recovering from the flu I could only take little sips of lukewarm water as ‘gulps’ were too  much for my stomach to handle. Prior to being sick I was drinking at least 2 litres of water a day, so the past couple days I have been trying to do the same again. My midwife said if there is no change again next week they typically order an ultrasound to see what is going on, and often it is just a decrease in amniotic fluid. Of course it makes me a little concerned, and I’ve been drowning myself in fluids now that my stomach is feeling a little better in attempts to re-hydrate. 

Prior to getting sick I told her I was really tired (still am) and also experiencing restless legs at night. She said this could be a sign of low iron. She checked my blood, and my haemoglobin levels are a little on the low side. They like to see between 120 and 150, mine was 109. She thought this also may be why it was taking me so long to get over my bronchitis (at my 30 week appt). She told me to start taking iron supplements, and to try to get more iron sources in my diet. I was only able to start taking them yesterday due to the interlude of the stomach flu. I was suggested to take ‘Female Iron Tonic’ made up by the owner of a couple of the Pharmasaves in Victoria, one of which is now in Tuscany Village, I was told it is easier to digest than some of the commercial brands. Hopefully that helps get my energy up a bit. 

I honestly thought the last bit of pregnancy would be a little easier than it is, silly me. I am finding it hard to get enough rest at night. Heartburn and tummy upset has made it harder to fall asleep lately. I am still waking up many times a night, which I’ve been told by many moms, is the preparation for motherhood. I now need to spend longer time in bed to get the same amount of sleep I was getting before. I am trying to lie down after work, but often I am not able to sleep and just end up dozing. 

My plan was to have my last day at work as Thursday March 27^th, and start taking vacation days on Fridays to make my week a little more manageable. I ended up having to use 2.5 days of my vacation time when I had the stomach flu (due to my employer’s silly short and long term disability policies of re-qualifying, that’s a whole other story!). So now I am 2.5 days vacation days short. Currently if I make it to the end of March, I plan on taking the couple Fridays as unpaid days instead. We will see how far I make it. I feel I have lots to do at home with wanting to get the house in tip top organized shape before babe arrives, but if I take more time before babe arrives, I get less time at the end with him or her. But then again this is my last alone time for a long while, so perhaps I should take advantage of it. I go through the debate daily with myself. 

My next midwife appointment is next Thursday. Then for the month of March we will be seeing our ‘backup midwife’ because our primary midwife is off for the month (they schedule one month off every 6 months). We go to ‘Cook Street Community Midwives’, our primary midwife is Colleen, who both my husband and I think is wonderful. Over the past several months we have built a trusting relationship with her. I sure hope that she is there for our birth. One of the constant things that I worry about is not getting “my midwife” when I am in labour because she is at another birth, or off call (after all April 20th is a full moon, ah!). I know everyone else in the Cook Street office is very competent and caring as well, but I feel it would just not be the same. This is my first time after all and even though I’ve read lots (perhaps too much) on what to expect, it is often very different. It is totally out of my control, as I am learning so many things are in pregnancy. I am just the vehicle. 

…a little earlier than planned. Our tour of the maternity unit was first meant to be with our prenatal class on March 3rd.

This past Monday night I came down with a very violent version of what they think was the stomach flu. I would like to blame what I ate that night and the restaurant I ate at but both my husband and I shared off the same plate for dinner, and he was fine. I wasn’t feeling well when I went to bed, but that is not completely unusual in pregnancy, as I often get heartburn when I lie down.

Warning: the rest of the details can be a little gross, so suggest you don’t read it if you are a little squeamish.

I started to throw up around 10:30 pm or so, along with other end too. By 3:00AM I was still throwing up and there was nothing left to purge. I started to notice I was throwing up blood (along with bile and other things that aren’t meant to come up), and it was just getting worse and more frequent and I got super worried. My husband thought I was overreacting, which I have been known to do, and that my stomach was just a little irritated and that we should just stay home and see someone in the morning if things were the same. I was not convinced I wanted to do that so I called the BC Nurses Line and the nurse suggested that I go to emergency, so we did. My husband dropped me at the front doors of emergency and I went in to register while he parked the car.

I spoke to the triage nurse. I told him what I was experiencing, I did mention that I had stomach and intestinal cramping. He said that sometimes it is hard to distinguish between that and contractions and said that anyone over 20 weeks pregnant they automatically send upstairs to the labour and delivery/maternity unit. This surprised me a little.

When we got upstairs it was quiet and I spoke to the nurse on duty who asked me if I had called my Midwife or Doctor. I told her no because I didn’t think it was pregnancy related. She said it is all pregnancy related, I told her the name of my midwife. She got me set up in a room, and called my midwife and told us she was on her way. She hooked my tummy up to the monitor to listen to baby. Baby sounded fine and actually got more active as soon as there was straps across my belly - don’t think he likes being monitored, he kicks during our regular appointment when my midwife listens for his heartbeat too.

My midwife arrived in what seemed to be record time (she must live close by), I felt bad for getting her out of bed! Another nurse came in with an IV bag, as they wanted to give me some fluids. After several tries, third time lucky (ouch!! bruises to show for it), they got the IV in and gave me some Gravol in my IV to make things stop and also some fluids because I had lost so much. She let me sleep for about 2 hours and we went home around 6am. I was still ill at that point, but it was slowing down. Once we got home I think I stopped throwing up by about 10am.

I was not able to eat anything that day, or much the day after. I tried to eat last night but my stomach is still super noisy and trying to simple things today too. I spoke to my midwife again today and she said it can take a little while to re-establish the proper Flora in your system, and that taking Acidophilus or plain yogurt with active cultures can sometimes help (she recommended plain, fruit added yogurt can have too many sugars she said). I am pretty tired and a little frustrated at all my ailments, I feel I am falling apart. I am also concerned that since I cannot eat much I am depriving baby of proper nutrients. So far my husband has not gotten it and I sure hope everyone else I’ve been in contact with doesn’t get it either! I don’t ever remember being that ill. Not fun and I do not wish it on anyone!

On the upside the room that we were in was a labour and delivery room. So I guess I will be nice and comfortable with the space when we have to go for the birth. Also knowing how I was taken care of makes me feel at ease too. I only ever see my midwife at our appointments and never in ‘action’ before. Not that I was ever doubting her abilities, she has been wonderful, just makes me more relaxed and calm to know I was taken care of.